I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
