I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can I color on your dick again?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
