I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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