Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
