And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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