At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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