i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
