Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize