If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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