Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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