i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
