Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
