I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
