see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
