This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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