Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am available for nakedness
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
