i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
