Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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