I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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