I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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