her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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