I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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