1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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