My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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