I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
