True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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