Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
