I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
