His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
