Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
