I'm so fucking centered right now
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
