Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
