just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
