Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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