do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
