Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
