I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
