It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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