Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
