i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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