just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
