Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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