Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
