I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Houston, we have a blender
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
