please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize