I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
