I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
