She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
