when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
