I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
