Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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