Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
