She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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