how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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