Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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