like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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