have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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