I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
