i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
